THE HUMAN TIMEPIECE

Or, How to Tell Time Based on What Mariah is Doing at Any Given Time

Or, The Unfortunate State of Perpetual Tardiness

Or, A Semi-Realistic Representation of College Life

Or, The Moral of the Story is 'Don't Skip Breakfast'
Or, Please Don't Judge Me for Being a Bum

YOU KNOW IT'S 12:00 AM IF:

Mariah is just beginning to do work for the next day. (Also known as, "today.")


YOU KNOW IT'S 2:00 AM IF:

Mariah smells like white grapefruit and mint extract, because she just showered.


YOU KNOW IT'S 3:00 AM IF:

Mariah just crawled into bed.


YOU KNOW IT'S 6:00 AM IF:

Mariah is not awake.


YOU KNOW IT'S 8:00 AM IF:

Mariah is still not awake. Note: Not to be confused with 6:00 AM because she is also not at breakfast, where she is supposed to be.


YOU KNOW IT'S 10:00 AM IF:

Mariah just hit the snooze button for the third time in a row.
Just.
Five more
minutes.
...Please.


YOU KNOW IT'S 10:21 AM IF:

Mariah is frantically throwing on clothes.


YOU KNOW IT'S 10:32 AM IF:

Mariah runs into her 10:30 class.


YOU KNOW IT'S 12:30 PM IF:

Mariah is eating food in the Stiles Dining Hall. Especially if said food is monochromatic, most often yellow. Read:


YOU KNOW IT'S 1:18 PM IF:

Mariah is sitting at a recently vacated dining hall table, taking too long to finish her food, because she is the slowest eater of all her friends.


YOU KNOW IT'S 1:30 PM IF:

Mariah just barely makes it in time for her afternoon class.


YOU KNOW IT'S 1:40 PM IF:

Mariah is starting to feel a powerful onslaught of food coma in the middle of class.


YOU KNOW IT'S 3:30 PM IF:

Mariah returns to her room and sits slouching on the couch with jacket, gloves, and backpack still on, mindlessly scrolling through her Facebook feed on her phone.


YOU KNOW IT'S 4:30 PM IF:

Mariah is still mindlessly scrolling through her Facebook feed, except now she has pulled out the big guns and moved to her laptop instead.


YOU KNOW IT'S 4:44 PM IF:

Mariah's newsfeed includes:

  1. a clicktivist article
  2. a Buzzfeed video
  3. hispter photos with Instagram filters, usually about food
  4. complaint about the snow/dark/cold


YOU KNOW IT'S 5:03 PM IF:

Mariah enters the dining hall once more, this time perched on the back of her noble steed, Boyfriend, who is a full head taller than her. They ready themselves for battle (with food).


YOU KNOW IT'S 6:30 PM IF:

Mariah has sat eating dinner with three completely different sets of people because they keep finishing their food and leaving, only to be replaced with another friend or acquaintence.


YOU KNOW IT'S 8:28 PM IF:

Mariah tries to do her work, but ends up doing a Google search for "cute owls" instead.


YOU KNOW IT'S 10:43 PM IF:

Mariah's "cute owls" search has led her to a two-hour-long cat video tangent on Youtube.


YOU KNOW IT'S 11:25 PM IF:

Mariah remembers there is something URGENT to do!!


YOU KNOW IT'S 11:26 PM IF:

Mariah is distracted by a cat pretending to be a dog.


YOU KNOW IT'S 11:59 PM IF:

Mariah realizes that she's a procrastinating excuse of a student, and that she is no longer qualified to write 'I believe I would be a strong addition to because I am hard-working and responsible' in her cover letter without being a liar. She puts on her big girl pants and vows never to be so irresponsible again.


LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW...

...she has become the Human Timepiece, doomed to repeat her mistakes at every stroke of midnight! Oh, who in the name of productivity will save her against the mighty grip of the Procrastatron1? Dun dun dun!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Dynamic Academic Dean!
SuperScholar!
The Masked Maturity Which Comes with Age!
The Wrath of the GPA!

WILL SHE EVER BE FREE?
YES
NO
In life, there are no clearcut answers, so it is both yes and no.

1Copyright Ethan France, 2014.